Category Archives: News

A few words on the worst song ever written

less than five years ago a song was unleashed on to the world that few were ready for, with many coming to rue its existence entirely. This auto-tuned monstrosity featured lyrics that were overly simple, entirely pointless and frustratingly repetitive. Even with the musical abomination that was the first 3/4’s of the song, a strange and bizarre low point was eventually reached when the singer apparently gave up reciting coherent sentences and instead switched to practically listing off the days of the week in order. For weeks and months and years after this melody-less atrocity had bombarded ear drums across the world it, it refused to go away, becoming a cultural reference point that much better music of the day never even came close to. Even to this day, human beings all over the world struggle to push this unpleasant experience from the recesses of their mind. I am of course talking about I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.

Strangely though when you compare the reaction to that song to the one received by the musical stylings of a thirteen year girl that was released two years later then the entire experience just becomes baffling. Arguably every single irritating thing about Rebecca Black’s Friday applies equally to I Gotta Feeling. But whereas most people were willing to acknowledge Friday as a god awful piece of musical unpleasantness, I Gotta Feeling became the number one downloaded track on iTunes. It almost defies belief. Both tracks may fall into the same lyrically stagnant, tone-deaf traps but it could be legitimately argued that I Gotta Feeling is the worst track because of it. While Rebecca Black was recording a song because she enjoyed music and theatre, posting it to a quiet corner of the internet where the world could thankfully and gratefully continue their existence without ever having to hear it, the Black Eyed Peas released on their fucking album resulting in it being played all over radio and television. Those of us wishing to avoid it were just out of luck.

In a sentence from Alice in Wonderland the King explains to Alice “Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” I generally find this to be good advice in most situations, including song writing. And in light of this you really have to give full marks to Rebecca. Her song starts with her waking up, then goes on to expresses befuddlement over where to sit down, accurately summarizes the way the days are arranged in the second half of the week, which brings us neatly to the end of the song. Compare this to the Black Eyed Peas who seem to struggle to get past the beginning for almost half the song (the first two minutes is entirely made up of the sentence “I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night” on repeat), and then becomes a random and bizarre arrangement of misappropriated Hebrew words along side nonsensical gibberish and a verse that is made up almost exclusively of the words “Let’s do it and do it” repeated over and over again.

In short, I could happily tolerate a planet that universally despised Friday (hell, even Rebecca Black herself cringes when she listens to is) if it wasn’t also the same planet that actively allowed I Gotta Feeling to batter and bombard the ear drums of the rest of us. I’m not even just picking on Earth with this, if any other planet we may make contact with in the future turned out to have done the same I would support nuking it from orbit. Sure, some may say that’s an over reaction, but I say we should strap those people to the nuke for their wishy-washy attitude to terrible music. No planet, society or culture which made I Gotta Feeling the most downloaded track on iTunes has anything to say about Friday or any other topic that’s vaguely related to music.

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Scottish independence; vote yes and save yourself the trouble

As 2014 approaches it’s a time for Brits up and down this island (and a few on the next island for reasons of historic stupidity) to reflect on the inevitable doom that we’re facing as a nation. Not in any physical sense of course, but in the sense that one third of the island is going to send it’s elected representatives to sit in a different building to the rest of the island’s politicians. Don’t let the fact that we’re still going to be living on the same island, and driving on each others roads, and working in each other cities, and shopping at each others stores, and paying ridiculous prices for each others crap just because it looks vaguely touristy fool you into not caring. This is big.

No doubt the reactions will vary along several forms of disagreement, such as the ignorant (“If the Scots don’t want to be British then they can just fuck off out of Britain” is what I imagine they sound like) VS the straight out bizarre (such as this guy who sounds like he’s attempting to claim pre-emptive asylum). Or maybe the foaming at the mouth zealot who is outraged at the very thought that anyone would ever dare to disagree with what he thinks should happen, to those of complete indifference who are rolling their eyes so hard at the idea of forming an opinion about politics that now their world seems like an infinitely reaching spiral of rotating light and are not pleased that the opinionated are having that kind of effect of them.

Of course, the actual result would almost certainly be less of a Scandinavian style socialist utopia separated at the hip from an Anglo-Saxon style, social darwinist, corporate hell-hole as much as would be two near equally annoying governments, sharing one island and bickering like spoilt siblings over who has to pay what portion of the debt and who gets to claim how many missiles as their own. Of course both would be happy to claim the imperialist tradition when establishing their credentials, while being quick to move away from it when establishing responsibility, but lets not focus on that aspect of the debate lest someone comes off looking bad.

Assuming the majority say yes when the question is popped on the infamous date then I’m willing to place a large bet right here and now. In 14 years time I will bet that an inexplicably large minority of people will go on record as disavowing the decision to go for independence. And while many convoluted and/or weakly specific explanations will be offered up, the actual reason will be simple. Politics and government is bullshit. It’s bullshit Scandinavian style and it’s be bullshit Anglo-Saxon style. And when offered the opportunity to reminisce on bullshit that they’re not experiencing in that exact moment a lot of people will say “Yeah, actually the old stuff was better.”

So faced with this nonsense is there any manner in which a person can figure out a way to reach a right decision? Well, put simply, yes there is. The nationalists will never disappear. In fact, nationalism requires a bigger neighbour to define yourself against as a way of definitively disregarding your differences as a group, and as long as a United Kingdom exists the Scottish Nationalists will always have that. In other words the longer Scotland stays a part of the UK, the more the question will come up. Illuminated with that light is it not worth saying yes now and shutting those self important pricks up forever?

Tired of all the Royalty? Here is some cathartic relief

Doug Stanhope

Bill Maher

Christopher Hitchens

TYT

So Mother Teresa wasn’t very nice. Who knew?

Quick, think of somebody who you should never criticize ever. Did you say Mother Teresa? Because I imagine a lot of people think you should have. Earlier this year researchers in Canada posted a paper online in the Journal “Studies in Religion/Sciences religieuses”. The paper, called “Les côtés ténébreux de Mère Teresa” or “The dark side of Mother Teresa” will be published this month in the March issue. It looks at 287 documents, covering 96% of the literature on her life and work. The University of Montreal posted an article in advance of the publication which claims “the researchers conclude that her hallowed image—which does not stand up to analysis of the facts—was constructed, and that her beatification was orchestrated by an effective media relations campaign.”

The researchers also said that her “rather dubious way of caring for the sick, her questionable political contacts, her suspicious management of the enormous sums of money she received, and her overly dogmatic views regarding, in particular, abortion, contraception, and divorce.” In life when she was presented with criticisms about how the poor suffered in her care she responded with “There is something beautiful in seeing the poor accept their lot, to suffer it like Christ’s Passion. The world gains much from their suffering.” Lovely.

And the research isn’t that surprising. Everyone from the British Medical Journal to the New Left Review to The Lancet has taken a pop at her for her work at one point or another. Christopher Hitchens even got an entire book out of it. And an article in Slate. And a channel 4 documentary. And he mentions it at the start of Letters to a Young Contrarian and again in God is Not Great. I’m assuming he stopped eventually as there would have to come a point where even he would admit he was just picking on a dead nun.

Of course none of this unique to Mother Teresa. In fact she stands up pretty well when compared to some of the other people canonized by the Catholic Church in the past. Vice helpfully did a list which includes such miraculous and pious pricks as Christina Mirabilis (who hallucinated and flew a lot), Cædwalla of Wessex (who killed a shit load of Saxons) and Ambrose of Something (who really didn’t like the Jews. Like, really hated them). If you’re interested, Cracked has a couple of lists of some of the other interesting miracle workers that are included in the over 10,000 saints currently recognized.

Even with the well documented, and often deserved, criticism of Mother Teresa the cult that seemed to surround her in life is alive and well. Céleste Owen-Jones, an Associate Producer of HuffPost Live, decided to write a defence of Mother Teresa which can easily be summed up as “Erm no, not even though, and even if you’re right she’s still better than nothing which is why she’s awesome”. The best bit of the article though has to be in response to her opposition to abortion and contraception: “Yes, Mother Teresa was adamant and very vocal about this. Although I usually scream loud and clear when I hear any politician questioning what I consider two fundamental rights, I do not hold it against Mother Teresa.” So, question these two fundamental rights and make Céleste Owen-Jones scream, unless you’re Mother Teresa and it just becomes yet more proof of how Super-Special-Awesome you are.  Sounds cult like to me.

Anyway on a slightly related note please enjoy this video of Frankie Boyle making a joke about another “icon” of our time.

The EU is trying to take your porn. Kind of.

In honour of International Women’s Day the European Parliament is preparing to vote next Tuesday on a motion aimed at “eliminating gender stereotypes in the EU”. The title alone sounds good, and I very much doubt that many people would have a problem with it. however the Swedish Pirate Party has pointed out that some of the wording in the small print could potentially lead to an EU wide ban on porn. Rick Falkvinge, founder of the Pirate Party, wrote on his website that Article 17 of the motion calls for “a ban on all forms of pornography in the media”, along Article 14 which “Points out that a policy to eliminate stereotypes in the media will of necessity involve action in the digital field; considers that this requires the launching of initiatives coordinated at EU level with a view to developing a genuine culture of equality on the internet” could be used together to justify a ban.

Of course the actual vote next week is wholly non binding and no new law will actually be created if it passes (which it probably will, no one wants to vote against eliminating stereotypes. ). However if could potentially be used as the basis for actual proposed legislation by the European Commission, although European Digital Rights believe that the wording is almost too absurd to ever be taken seriously. But if you are genuinely worried, Rick Falkvinge helpfully provides a way to contact Europe’s MEPs (although in all likelihood your email will just end up in their spam filter).

Some of the other articles included with the motion call for:

“12. Stresses the need to run special courses on gender stereotypes in the media for national advertising standards committees and self-regulatory and regulatory bodies so as to raise awareness of the negative influence of gender-discriminatory images on television, the internet and in marketing and advertising campaigns;

13. Calls on the EU to develop awareness campaigns on zero-tolerance across the EU for sexist insults or degrading images of women and girls in the media;

14. Points out that a policy to eliminate stereotypes in the media will of necessity involve action in the digital field; considers that this requires the launching of initiatives coordinated at EU level with a view to developing a genuine culture of equality on the internet; calls on the Commission to draw up in partnership with the parties concerned a charter to which all internet operators will be invited to adhere;

15. Calls on the EU and its Member States to conduct training and awareness training actions with media professionals on the harmful effects of gender stereotypes and good practices in this area;

16. Stresses the importance of promoting the representation of the female image in a way that respects women’s dignity, and of combating persistent gender stereotypes, in particular the prevalence of degrading images, whilst fully respecting freedom of expression and freedom of the press;”

And all of this is supposed to be provided by the same organization that attempted to encourage more women to pursue careers in science with this advert:

It just fills you with confidence, doesn’t it?

Chavez Dead & Buried.

Hugo Chavez, 58, died on Tuesday after a two-year battle with cancer. In total he was leader of Venezuela for 14 years, he was involved in two attempted military coups (once as the instigator, once as the target), his premiership coincided with a massive decline in his country’s Human Rights record and his most enduring image is that one clip of him sniffing around the podium at the UN General Assembly like a police dog looking for crack. Oh, and apparently he didn’t believe in Al Qaeda or the moon landings.

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This is what you should be thinking right now

His government rammed the Supreme Court with political supporters who then openly disregarded the notion of separation of powers, In 2009 he called for the arrest and 30 year imprisonment of a judge who returned a verdict he didn’t like (she remains under house arrest), the government passed legislation to make it harder for the press to criticize or offend them (while vowing to deport any foreigner who did the same) and the government consistently voted against UN Resolutions condemning Human Rights abuses in Burma, Syria and North Korea (among others).

His funeral was attended by such dedicated and well known defenders of human happiness as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (President “elect” of Iran), Alexander Lukashenko (Europe’s last dictator) and Sean Penn (Spicoli). Following his funeral his body will be put on display “eternally“, following in the footsteps of previous heralds of revolutionary socialism as Vladimir Lenin,  Mao Zedong,  Kim Il-sung and Ho Chi Minh. Because he spent his elected premiership constantly trying to show up the US whenever he could and chose to buy his weapons from Russia rather than the West he’ll be forever remembered as a dedicated anti-imperialist, because, of course Russia could never, ever, ever be described as an aggressive nation.

Of course it could easily be argued that so far I’ve been a slightly one sided about his death. The truth is that in life Chavez suffered from what I’ve just decided to call “Richard Nixon Syndrome.” Few people can doubt that Nixon was an asshole and yet he was the asshole who helped negotiate the first arms limitation treaty with the Soviet Union, created the Environmental Protection Agency, passed the 1970 Clean Air Act, fought hard (and partly succeeded) to reform US healthcare, oversaw the desegregation of public schools and helped lay the groundwork for the Indian Self-Determination and Education Assistance Act.

And Chavez falls into exactly the same trap. You have to be a completely myopic anti-US cyclops to be blind to all the mans faults, but you cant deny that his time as Venezuela’s leader lead to some huge improvements for the country. He passed progressive trade union laws, reduced poverty and increased health and education standards, all of which makes him more difficult to classify, but does it undo all that bad and make him a saint? Of course not. And yet his supporters continue to ignore the abuses and excesses as if they either didn’t happen or don’t matter as they chant his successes as if they’re revealing a never heard secret. It’s almost like the kitchen scene in Fight Club where the Space Monkeys start to chant “His name is Robert Paulson“. We all knew Chavez wasn’t Satan, that doesn’t undo the bad the he and his government was responsible for.

Dolphins Can Call Each Other By Name

A study by the University of St. Andrews Sea Mammal Research Unit has found out that bottle nose dolphins are one of the few known species to be able to call each other by name. Previous research on dolphins found that they had the capability of naming themselves with a unique call that allowed others to identify them. The new study, by marine biologists at the University of St Andrews, showed that dolphins only copy those that they share strong social bonds with.

” A dolphin emits its signature whistle to broadcast its identity and announce its presence, allowing animals to identify one another over large distances and for animals to recognize one another and to join up with each other,” lead author Stephanie King told Discovery News. “Dolphin whistles can be detected up to 20 km away (12.4 miles) depending on water depth and whistle frequency.”

It was already known that dolphins develop their own individual whistle which describes their identity. The team of Scottish and American scientists analysed recordings from wild and captive dolphins to identify which animals copy one another’s signature whistle.

Dr King added, “The fact that animals are producing whistle copies when they are separated from a close associate supports the idea that dolphins copy another animal’s signature whistle when they want to reunite with that specific individual.” Which is much more straight forward than my childhood would have had me believe.